Tuesday, February 9, 2010

teaser tuesday

So here is just a piece of the collector, a story I am working on... If you haven't seen the first part you might want to get yourself up to date... check it out here

I break away… I throw the metal towards meat, expecting it to blow up, but it doesn’t. Terrified that he tricked me I am afraid that something worse is about to happen, I bolt to the trees, unaware of what might happen to me, but I also know that staying out in the open will only kill me faster. I crouch down hoping to not be seen, my heart beating so loudly I am afraid that he will hear it. I cover my mouth and take deep breaths, I must calm down or I will never escape. I see the gravel path, and the house, a few lights are still on, and I think I see a shadow walking around. I have no idea who is in there, I can’t tell if it is him, it’s too blurry, I know he drugged me and I am not sure that it has worn off yet. I am not as aware of my own body but I try and get myself to focus. I hug the tree and peer around the corner, still no movement, I have to keep moving, I must get out of this place. I try and re-trace my steps, I know that I will have to pass the main house to get to the exit, this only terrifies me more, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to pass by the house and get caught, tears roll down my cheeks at the thought, could I die today? What have I done to deserve this? I try not to psych myself out but just the thought of once again being captured makes me want to stay put. I gather my courage and strength and quietly tip toe my way on the grass, I am afraid to move to the gravel in fear that he might be watching me and can see me, instead I try and remain friends with the tall trees and the bushes nearby. As I inch closer to the house one of the lights goes off, I run and hide for a moment, is he coming outside? Oh god what have I done, what have I done?! My mind is screaming at the possibility of once again being captured, it’s now or never. I RUN, on the gravel, my bare feet being cut with each step I take, I try to focus on the gate I see at the front of the path, it is where I must be if I want any chance of escaping.

As always let me know what you think!!!!

16 comments:

Aubrie said...

This is very suspenseful! I tend to use too many commas, and I think you could take out a few as well:

"I RUN, on the gravel, my bare feet being cut with each step I take(.) I try to focus on the gate I see at the front of the path(.) It is where I must be if I want (to escape)-would sound better than "any chance of escaping".

Hope this helps!

Jen said...

Thanks Aubrie! You are too sweet!

My first draft I use whatever I can think of while I'm moving along with my first draft, but I do think the periods give it quite the difference!

Christine Danek said...

Where is the rest? :) I want to read more! Good job. I agree on the comma comment by Aubrie. I tend to do this too as well as use too many dashes:)

Have a good day!

C.R. Boone said...

You have captured her emotion well. I like the use of organic senses, heartbeat, mind screaming. It might be fun to toss a little Kinesthetic sense in there too, something that illustrates the drugs in her system so the reader can feel it, like staggering to the trees with the world spinning round her. What does the earth or the air smell like to someone in that state? How is her body reacting—shoulders tightening, arms held close as she draws into the shadows to avoid the moonlight that is waiting to expose her? Very tense moments in the story. I love it.

Alex Jenson said...

Quite tense...I quite enjoyed this, but i think you might benefit from some editing in order to make it a little more urgent....I reckon this would be really very good if you trimmed it down to the bare essentials.

Jen said...

Awe Christine your too sweet! Thanks for the advice as well!!

C.R. Boone thank you for the extra added advice! That's a great idea! I will be incorporating them for sure!

Alex I am glad that you see the potential! Bare essentials for more urgency would be fantastic!

You guys are awesome! Love the advice!!!

lakeviewer said...

Wait. Are we supposed to stop you cold and edit? Sorry, not in good taste at all. You are in the flow; so, carry on, spill it out; then, when you're all exhausted and out of breath, rest and pause by the water cooler.

There we are, waiting to tell you that you carried us along; we are scared too.

You want to edit?
That's still for another day.

Jen said...

Don't worry lakeviewer I will not be editing at the moment, however when I get to the point where editing is the next step I will re-visit the advice that was given. I know that even though it's my first draft and there are plenty of mistakes, it is the rawness that captures most!!!

bclement412 said...

You got into her mind and portrayed her emotions perfectly. It felt as though my heart was beating just as fast as her, as if I was freaking out right alongside her. Great job.

Amna said...

This is very tense and I love it! You had my eyes glued on to the screen

Fabulous teaser.

roxy said...

My heart is now beating a lot faster... Thank you. I really enjoyed this. You put me right in the action. I'd love to read more.

Kristin said...

oh wow! please let her get to that gate! ;) thanks for stopping by my blog.

Tiffany Neal said...

Great suspense!! I loved it! Keep up the good work and I'll be looking forward to next Tuesday!

Guinevere said...

Man, you really manage to capture the urgency of her situation. This needs a good edit to clarify the scene when you get to that point, but the bones here are great. It reminds me of those panicky childhood nightmares where you need to get away from something overwhelming, and you know your chances are nearly nil, but you have to run anyway.

Kimberly Franklin said...

Love your style! Love the suspense! And I love that picture of Carrie Bradshaw too! : )

Great work!

Jen said...

Carrie's fabulous isn't she!!!

Thank you so much for all the feedback!!!! I love you all the insight and opinions! Keep them coming!!